I particularly like “Jack a Dull Boy” and “Talks to a Drunk.”



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You really, really gotta read the rest of this piece here. And I’m not pretending like it’s real any more: not that you were convinced any more, but really…gotta distance my real actions from this insanity.

After Jenny and I finished I felt myself becoming more and more acclimated to the Cthulhu slug world. My body and mind began accepting what I was instead of instantly rebelling at the disgusting premise of my existence.

“Hey! Guys! Wake up!”

I open my eyes in the “real” world as Pooh stands over us: his swords and guns are gone and he looks frightened.

“Finally!” he says looking at me and then looking at Jenny. She lies prone on the ground next to me, eyes closed, looking as if she is sleeping peacefully. She smiles as her eyes open. She sees Pooh and frowns.

“What the fuck?” she said. “I was just getting used to that…”

“Used to what?” says Pooh.

“Nothing, nothing,” I say shooting Jenny a sharp look. She turns white, red, blue, green and several shades of purple. I assume my face does the same as it burns with a weird fury.

“Tell me!” says Pooh imploringly, almost whining. My eyes adjust to the new light, the real light and I see we’re in a small cell of some type. There are no cell bars but only a large metal door about six foot high. The room itself is no more than eight feet tall and is made out of pure, shiny metal with no obvious rivets or connection points.

“What? Where are we?” I say.

“You two…you slept through it! I had to see…it. Lucky I am so strong or else I might be…not so well up here,” says Pooh, tapping his head. I note a distinctly manic look in his eye that wasn’t there before: the look of a deer in the headlights.

Or a raccoon in a bear trap.

I walk along the edge of the room, running my hand along the side. It’s warm to the touch, not cool as I’d anticipated. Jenny is still lying on her back, seemingly trying to get back to sleep but groaning in annoyance at her inability to do so.

Pooh sits crouched in one corner (I move my hand around my to avoid his head) mumbling Russian in a distracted tone. After walking all along the edge, I walk back over to Pooh. I look down at him and he looks up at me.

“What?” he says.

“How long have we been out?”

“Impossible to tell. They drop food off here three, four times. Could be a day. Could be four. I have talked to nobody. Thought you were dead. Thought I would be next.”

I looked down at Pooh and realized that he could no longer (at the moment) serve as the leader of our group. He was shaking badly, distractedly, mumbling and jerking. He wasn’t exactly “crazy” but was obviously feeling nervous about something he had seen or experienced. Being alone for who knows couldn’t have contributed to his ease of mind.

In the void of a leader, of an alpha, somebody must step up to take charge and lead any group. Looks like it was my turn to try that out: something I’d rarely, if ever had to do in my life, let alone on the weird, totally fucked scale of whatever was going on here.

First, I had to have some answers about where we were and what was going on.

“Pooh…you have to tell me what happened while we were out.”

He stands up and runs away from me and into another corner.

“Noooo!” he screams as he runs. This will not do. I turn and watch him crouch in another corner, with his hands over his head. He’s crying.

“Pooh. You have to tell us what happened if we have any chance of getting out of here alive!” I shouted perhaps a bit too much as I watch him jump with each word I say.

“Nooo! I cannot say the things I saw. They are not good.”

“You have to say!” I scream, hearing a harsh bounce back against the walls. It makes me jump as I realize how loud I’m screaming. Pooh starts sobbing and I realize I’ve pushed him too far too quickly. He’s blubbering and shaking and speaking in Russian quickly and incomprehensibly.

Then again, any Russian is incomprehensible to me, sadly.

I turn to look at Jenny for help: she stares at the ceiling, concentrating as if she is looking through the floor. I walk over to her and lay down, side to side and stare at the ceiling.

“What’s up?” she says.

“I dunno. What you looking at?”

“Uh, the ceiling.”

I laugh.

“Yeah but why?”

“Why not?”

She seems rather tense and obviously distracted. Upset. Perhaps afraid.

“Are you okay?” I say.

“No. I’m not.”

“What’s the matter?”

She sighs heavily before speaking.

“It’s really hard to talk about. I don’t think I can just yet.”

A sudden realization hits me.

“Did you dream while you were sleeping?”

She doesn’t speak.

“Because I did.”

Now, she turns and looks at me. Her eyes widen.

“Yeah?” she says. “About what?”

“Did you dream too?” I say.

She pauses a moment and breathes in deeply.


“About what?”


“Nope?” I ask.

“Not gonna talk about that. Not yet. Besides,” she says, trailing off a little, “I think you already know.”

I nod look at her and realize she wasn’t looking at me as I nodded but staring straight up at the ceiling again.

“Gotcha,” I say. “I would rather not talk about it either.”

“Good,” she said. “Maybe we never will.”

I say nothing but stand up and walk towards the door. Its featureless. I press my ear against it and strain to hear something, anything. I hear footsteps so I jump back several feet and stare at the door. It opens up.

One of the gremlins stands there, holding a torch. It suddenly hits me that the entire cell is light by a weird glow that I can’t identify: no torches or light sources are obvious.

The gremlin points at me and two more gremlins come out and drag me out of the room, slamming the door behind them. It happens so quickly, Jenny and Pooh have no time to react. I’m dragged down a seemingly endless hallway between two gremlins. I let my body go limp and fall back asleep.

Confused? Obviously you didn’t read part 9 or any of the rest of this masterpiece of non-fiction. Go do that then come back here.

The three of us laid back and relaxed as these strange, groping yet quite friendly creatures dragged us deeper and deeper into the lighted chamber. I lightly lifted my head with a grin and saw something huge and writhing just inside the door but trying to consider it, even for a moment was difficult: it was too big and too potentially freakish to register properly.

“God damn, this is just like…getting high,” said Jenny as she giggled. “Maybe heroin. I did that one time.”

“No good,” said Pooh.

“I know,” she said.

As we got closer, I felt the creatures begin a series of dark, guttural chants that were in some elder language I had never heard. Certainly, it was nothing Romantic, Germanic or Asian as the syllables formed no familiar sounds or ideas that I could recognize. The chanting grew and grew as they moved us over their heads. The nearer we got, the more intense the chanting: it got to the point where I honestly felt like they were holding us in the air through the power of their chants.

That, of course, is ridiculous.

I looked through the door again and caught glimpse of what awaited us: a series of pillars that stretched as far as the eye could see and past: fires, burning through holes in the floor like in some damn bad fantasy movie; creatures moving in poses and postures that suggested some type of rhyme and reason and even more so a basic sense of worship; and again, the large, large mass of writhing tentacles that ate at my mind but which I couldn’t fully process.

“What is that thing?” I said to Jenny, pointing one arm lackadaisically towards the creature.

She looked for a moment and I registered, for the first time, fear. It gradually faded away.

“Fuck…I have no idea. It looks like…cthulu.”

“That’s what I was thinking,” I said.

“Ca…hulu?” said Pooh.

I laughed at his mispronunciation then felt bad for laughing: liberal guilt trip kicking in. I ignored it.

“There was a writer…H.P. Lovecraft. Horror. He wrote about things like this: ancient creatures that slumbered for centuries, the sight of which would drive you mad…and how they waited to crash into our realm and destroy us without thought, rhyme or reason.”

“Sounds dumb,” said Pooh, “or rather like a typical day of driving in Moscow.”

Both Jenny and I laughed but Pooh looked rather grim.

“I do not kid: it is awful to drive there,” he said.

We grew quiet as the chanting began to get overpowering. I felt fear struggling to form but always, always it was smoothed over by a feeling of simple bliss or happiness. A realization hit me hard, too hard to be ignored: this bliss came with the touch of the creatures and had no disappeared as we rode their heads.

Clearly, they were causing us to have these feelings. I’d already come to that conclusion (hadn’t I?) but maybe it had a reason…maybe it was needed to stop us from…going crazy with fear. It became harder and harder for me to concentrate so I laid back, closed my eyes and listened to the chanting of the creatures as they slowly, slowly carried us.

In the darkness of my eyelids, my mind cleared a little more and I could focus on the situation. The chanting made it hard to focus, though and I kept drifting, drifting to a different place, a different idea and situation over and over again. Somehow, it seemed impossible to consider myself in any danger when such light creatures danced on my eyes.

No, not the eye dancers that come when you close your eyes. This was different: it wasn’t the vague, slithering shapes of the weird creatures that live in our eyes. Instead, it was fully formed visions of creatures I had never seen and felt I would never see, moving to and fro in strange, rhythmless motions. They danced intensely and whole scenes began unfolding in my mind: vast fields of gray grass with a full lit sun filled sky.

Somehow, the sunlight made it more frightening than if it had been in the dark: these creatures, with limbs, tentacles, mouths and oddly proportioned body sections moved and slimed in the reality of the sun. They were in my eyes, in full resolution and completely lit and the idea of these creatures existing in the sunlight gave them more reality than if they had been confided to the darkest corners of the world.

After all, you can pull the cover over your head at night when the monsters creep around your bed and stare at you, waiting for a single portion of human skin to pop out so that they can rightfully devour you. However, in the full glare of the midday sun, no blanket can protect you from the tearing claws of the fitfully damned.

I realized suddenly that one of the creatures in the writhing masses looked familiar: I won’t beat around the bush for suspense. It was me. And there, next to it was Jenny, as a Cthulu spawn, writing in the grass, looking to rut with whatever male creature came her way. Wait, male? Female? These creatures were neither but were both. Pooh was nowhere to be seen.

My perception shifted, moved and glided through the darkness of my mind and I begin to see myself through the eyes of that creature. Oh no, this was no good. I fought hard, hard to bring my perception back to my normal sense, where I could hear the chanting growing louder yet fading in my mind, the touch of the creatures disappearing as I felt the grass beneath my…body and the sun on my…body.

It was no good. I was shifting totally into the body of this creature without fail. I couldn’t stop it. I turned to the Jenny creature and searched for her eyes. There they were…just above her rows of razor sharp teeth. It grunted at me incoherently and I grunted back. Slowly, the grunting language became clearer to me and I understood what it was saying.

“What the fuck? Where the fuck are we?” it said.

I said nothing but felt various pores of my body evacuate a thick, viscous ooze. At first, I thought I was defecating but as my understanding of my new body started to take over I realized I was actually…horny. The ooze was a pre-mating ritual intended for Jenny.

“Eww…”she said as she moved closer. “I…want to eat that.” She began oozing her own strange liquid which I suddenly wanted to eat with an intensity that disgusted and fascinated me. We both bent down to eat each other’s respective slimes as strange body functions I was unaware I possessed began activating, getting me ready to mate. We moved closer until we touched and it began.

For the exciting lead up to this eye popping battle, you should check out part eight of the story here. And remember: this actually happened.

Pooh immediately runs into the room swinging both of his swords quickly and accurately: limbs are shed from all manners of creatures as they scream in agony. They pivot towards Pooh who runs up and down pillars, nearly parallel to the ground, slicing, dicing and ripping his enemies to shreds.

“Kick ass,” said Jenny.

I watch grimly aware that I have no fighting skills and I assume Jenny doesn’t either. However, she surprises me by pulling two six inch blades out of her purse and assuming a fighting pose.

“Follow me,” she said. “I’ll mop up what he missed and we might be able to get out.” She immediately runs and I follow, knowing full well to stay in place is to die.

But damn if I ain’t out of shape! My feet and ankle starts to feel bad first: my stamina, it’s still reasonably okay.

The trail of blood was already quickly growing behind Pooh. He didn’t leave many stragglers in his straight line and those that stood to the left and right of it stood momentarily stunned as we ran by: Jenny would swipe at any who lunged with a speed I wouldn’t have expected from her. I could feel the creatures, the wave of creatures, closing behind me as we ran and pausing a few moments before coming straight at us again.

I felt completely helpless in a way I had never felt: I could hear the monsters roar behind us, smell the stench of their hides and bodies and practically feel their hands touching me. Once, I swear I felt fingers clutching at my shirt put a burst of speed quickly made that fear a thing of the past.

Singing ahead of us, Pooh continued to cut. He sang in a harsh, rough Russian voice that I couldn’t understand.

“He’s singing about snacks,” said Jenny with no expression in her voice. She sliced the throat of a lunging ghoul who clutched the wound as gray blood poured over his fingers.

I smelt smoke, burning and heard screaming. Somebody had set fire to…something but I couldn’t see where or who it could possibly be. I stayed as close to Jenny as I could and she stayed as close to Pooh as possible but it was getting harder and harder to keep up for both of us (me due to stamina and her due to Pooh’s stamina which was endless).

Gradually, we seemed to get further and further from Pooh who continued to swing and cut and scream with endless passion. Jenny started to pant heavily (one cannot smoke so much without some damage) and my body ached. I could hardly keep up with her any more and the monsters began to get closer and closer.

I had to throw punches and kicks to get through them now: their fear of us was growing smaller and smaller by the moment: they touched me and their hands were clammy, cold but not slimy as I had expected. I pulled away from their grasp in revulsion.

At some point I realized they weren’t pulling at us or trying to hurt us: they would grab us and touch us but I hadn’t been directly attacked by any of them. I took a good look into the eyes of one of them and realized why: there wasn’t much there. These great creatures were essentially mindless drones that barely seemed to exist.

I touched Jenny on the shoulder as she sliced through the creatures and whispered “stop.”

“Are you crazy?” she said tearing into another creature.

“Just let them be. Watch what happens.”

She stopped cutting the creatures and closed her eyes, anticipating the end. I wasn’t sure why it took so little to convince her to stop: perhaps she was simply tired and knew we were nowhere near out of there (I figured we were a little under halfway through the huge room through which Robocop had led us) and simply figured it was her time to go.

I watched the creatures as they grabbed at our arms, legs, backs and various other parts of our body. They didn’t rip or tear: they simply touched us as if the simple act of touching was all they really wanted. Up ahead I heard Pooh shouting and screaming and noted not one of the creatures screamed as he cut them into ribbons.

“Pooh!” I shouted, trying to get his attention. I could not see him any more but simply saw the limbs and heads flying through the air. Blood spurted out of various necks and limb stumps in a gory festival that would be amusing to me if I saw it in a movie but which was beginning to turn my stomach watching it unfold in real time.

“Damn it! Pooh!” Jenny shouted as the creatures pawed us. They actually parted as we walked towards Pooh, giving us room to walk.

I began to wonder if the screams and howls I had heard had been imagined when a creature touched me and howled as if he was on fire: I turned to look but he was smiling. They were howls and screams of joy and happiness not of rage or anger.

It was in all honesty beginning to become unbearable seeing these poor dolts tore to shreds by the master Pooh and I wished heavily he would stop.

Suddenly, the creatures picked us up and held us over their heads. They moved so quickly we had no time to scream out loud or defend ourselves. They began moving us over their heads in the direction we wanted to go. How convenient yet terrifying.

That was when I saw they had Pooh. He was relaxed now and no longer cutting. I slowly felt all tension leave my body as we moved closer and closer to Pooh. When we were right next to him, I felt as if nothing was more natural than where I was at the moment.

Which didn’t seem right to me.

“Something in these guys…” said Pooh. “Relaxing me. Calming me down.”

“Me too,” said Jenny.

“They are taking us…someplace…I hope it is for the best…”

A large door opened up on the far wall: in fact, the door was the wall. A bright light shone through as the creatures slowly and silently moved us towards the door. I was quite happy to let them do it.

Read the previous entry here.

I grabbed Jenny’s hand and ran for cover: she pulled away, running in a different direction and hid behind a large stone pillar that was wide enough to hide her and myself. I ducked behind a much smaller pillar that could barely hide me as I felt bullets fly between us. I heard screams and shouts as I briefly covered my head and emitted my own scream.

I heard gurgling sounds and turned to look at the source: Winnie the Pooh’s teddy bear women were flinging themselves at Winnie Pooh to stand between their lover and the gun and were being mercilessly gunned down. Winnie the Pooh moved, seemingly in slow motion by flipping his bed over, covering himself with it and moving forward as quickly as possible. Which given the circumstances was simply not fast enough.

Robocop moved towards Winnie Pooh who pulled a grenade from his belt, pulled the pin, held the grenade (I watched him count “one, two”) and then threw it, timing it perfectly: it exploded just in front of Robocop, knocking him back and blowing limbs off his robotic body. The acrobats performing above plummeted to the ground as they lost their concentration. They splatted roughly against the floor.

Winnie Pooh moved towards the slowly moving bed and kicked it over. Winnie THE Pooh stared up at him, eyes still glass from the “honey” running through his veins.

“Cousin…” he said, paws held up.

“No cousin,” said his Russian counterpart, pumping him full of lead. Stuffing, limbs and “fluff” flew through the air, signaling the end of Winnie The Pooh.

Russian Pooh stopped shooting and the room exploded into silence. I turned and looked at Jenny: she furiously puffed on a cigarette and shook her head, peeking over at the dead body of Pooh and then back up at his assassin. I could practically hear the gears turning in her head.

“You people!” shouted Pooh, “I have rescue you! Come come!”

It took me a moment to realize he meant Jenny and I. I said nothing nor moved an inch. A table blocked his view of me and Jenny was safely out of sight.

I heard a loud sigh.

“Look,” he said, “the people here are no good. Do not mourn for them. They take people. Good people. Make them bad. My cousin was good. Once. Now he’s a honey head. Now he’s dead…” Pooh trailed off. His English seemed to get slightly better as he talked. Perhaps it had been awhile since he spoke it.

“In Motherland!” he shouted in a near roar, “Pooh and I…grow up arm in arm. Paw in paw. Eat real honey. He come here. Addicted. Women bears all around. I shoot everybody in the other room…to come for you…”

Something wasn’t adding up: how did he know we were here? Why had he come for us? What did he care? I kept my mouth shut.

“Probably you don’t know why I come,” he said, “and this is why you stay quiet. I have inside contact. She is still alive, I left her okay. She did not go bad with the changes. She said new people come in and they go to Pooh. So I knew I had to come…so I shot them all, every one of them.”

“Is…is that all of them?” says Jenny and my heart drops. Was she believing this gibberish?

Pooh turns towards her voice but doesn’t open fire.

“No this is but…a small part. Pooh was…small potato…just someone for fun. For gas you see? He run this whole thing. And all the people here…they were no good. You must know this. I kill nobody who wasn’t bad.”

Jenny stands up and I nearly faint.

“I believe you,” she says. “There was something just off about this place. Something I couldn’t stand.”

Pooh nods as she walks over to him.

“It’s all the bad things the imaginary…it’s all stuff in the head that people think up. It is hard to explain but a guy some thing or somebody some force or something make it change to bad. So much of it all is bad now. Only a little bit still good. I still good. A bunch of us still good. But even my cousin…he could not resist…” A sadness in his voice convinces me of the legitimacy of the situation. I stand up.

Pooh jerks his gun towards me and pulls the trigger. The barrel spins in its place. I gasp.

“That wasn’t funny,” I said.

“Not funny,” he says, “lucky. Out of bullets.”

“You were really going to shoot me?”

“First rule: announce yourself before showing yourself. So many bad things happen that way…”

I look at Jenny: she’s smiling a bit too wide for my liking.

“He scared the SHIT out of you,” she taunts.

“Would have you, too.”

“Of course. But you should have seen your face.” She laughs really hard. Pooh joins in. I do not.

Pooh walks around the scene surveying the dead bodies. He shakes his head and sighs: I watch a few tears roll down his furry face as he stands above the carnage, the pain and suffering he inflicted on those who he considered his enemies.

I have to concur though: I was rather glad he had taken them out as they were likely to do things to Jenny and myself which were unfathomable to consider. It was a case of…not exactly appreciating the pain and suffering of others. But knowing when your own personal safety and comfort was more important than moralistic blathering after the fact.

Pooh looks down and sees some blood splattered on his vest. He takes out a rag and wipes as much of it off as he can and then throws the rag on the ground. He cries for a few more seconds before he stops.

“Are you okay?” says Jenny.

“Is hard…to shoot friends…”

“Tell me about it,” she says, apropos of who knows what.

“Well, now what?” I say.

Pooh looks towards the big heavy doors that lead outside. He sighs a huge say and turns back to look at us.

“By now, more should be in there. To get us. They wait. We won’t let wait no more.” He kicks open the door and thousands of incredibly freakish creatures stand in the room where the carnival once raged. They look mutated: green, long necks, sharp teeth, diamond sharp (near as I can tell) claws. They all turn to look at us. Pooh screams, drops his guns and unsheathes the two long swords crisscrossed together along his back.

“We ready to fight or die NOW!”

I’m so not ready for this.