Ah yes the eternal problem of the single and imminently dateable yet never fully satisfied, talented and good looking white male. Oh why oh why can’t I find a single woman in the world who looks like Anne Hathaway, plays guitar like PJ Harvey, sings like Fiona Apple and has the mind of my ex Maria?

Somehow, this candid pic was much more attractive to me than the obviously posed pics I found elsewhere. I spent way longer than I want to admit looking for this picture.
Photo courtesy of Caught On Set.com.

The obvious problem with such a “perfection” focused mindset is that it creates a situation that is patently doomed from the start. Perfection, truly, is in the eye of the beholder. But what if the beholder beholds himself too stridently to some ridiculous form of perfection that exists in maybe one person in the entire world?

Naturally a situation occurs wherein the person ends up alone for a long period of time. Or they find themselves jumping from great girl to great girl, saying things like “oh jeez well…she’s a blonde…uh…yeah her glasses are cute but…they aren’t dark rimmed…she likes Nicklelack.” All of these reasons have persuaded me away from girls in the past (though I insist the Nickelback reason is still perfectly relevant and objectively defendable).

Haha! You’re a douche!
Photo courtesy of Holy Taco.com.

Kidding aside (sure, I’d date a girl who liked Nickelback but we would never discuss music again) I feel that it’s important to relax standards as you get older because these standards are often unobtainable and not very realistic. My standards have dropped incredibly over the years, yet I”m still considered picky.

For all those interested (all none of you) here’s my list of standards:

1) Intelligence. Now, I’m not talking uber-super-duper-genius level intelligence. I just mean I can have a conversation with you. About anything. You’d be shocked how often this just doesn’t happen.

2) Kindness. Again, eye of the beholder shit. We all have moments of cruelty or shittiness as people. However, I’d like the shittiness of the person to be far overwhelmed by a general sense of kindness.

3) General physical cuteness. At the risk of sounding “shallow” I have to say that a girl must be generally attractive to me for me to want to date her. I’m not talking super-thin ultra model-esque type beauty. I mean a girl who has a cute look that works for her. Size doesn’t mater much to me as long as the girl isn’t horrendously, horrendously obese or stupidly, unhealthily skinny.

4) Hygiene. A girl must have a job, a place to live and all of her teeth. Must not smell in general: occasional bad breath or body odor happen. But they should not be the operative state.

5) Artistic sensibilities. This is not absolute essential but it’s nice. Drawing, singing, playing an instrument. It’s cool but not essential.

Honestly, that’s pretty much about it. I don’t think that’s very demanding. Trust me, this list has seriously changed over the years. Past requirements included: a nearly exact taste in music; dark hair; glasses; a nice ass; other pointless, nitpick things that I don’t feel are essential for the article.

No, no, no, no, not this!
Photo courtesy of White Rabbit Cult.com

As I continue my 30th year of living (it seems like yesterday that I nose dove out of my mother to begin life as a petulant jackass bent on staring at big butt girls in coffee shops) I have to ponder on how I have gotten through that many years without either getting married or getting a pretty girl pregnant and running off to South Africa to join their soccer team.

I mean besides the fact that I fucking hate soccer. Maybe that’s it: my hatred of soccer has lead me to a fear of commitment? Seems like an implausible reason that shifts blame away from me and towards an abstract concept. What’s more American than that!?  Besides hating soccer. Thanks Pele!

Hey no problem bro!
Photo courtesy of Four Four Two.com