Life is filled with many great joys, such as sitting in a public place and staring at cute girls (or boys if that’s your thing) and coming up with interesting back stories. For example, a cute young lady just walked into the coffee shop with a fellow. They look pretty innocuous and probably are: however, I’d like to think they are somehow time travelers that came to Alpena, Michigan to help stop a comet from wiping the city off the map.

I insist, the wormhole in the living room seemed like a good idea at the time. But now it won’t stop eating all my clocks.
Photo courtesy Cloud Centrics.

But nah: they’re simply a 30 something married couple that bought a few iced teas and are on their way out the door. Which actually, in a rather roundabout way, brings me to the topic of discussion: iced tea. Particularly, the unsweetened variety. I’ve never warmed up to sweetened iced tea except in a few circumstances. It was why I stuck to stubbornly to soda for so long: the taste. Because really, what tastes better than Pepsi? Nothing, that’s what. Please read that last sentence through a thick screen of sarcasm.

Some people though really love their sweetened iced tea. It’s just a weird experience for me: making something bitter into something sweet eliminates the best attributes of both, turning it bittersweet. And while bittersweet songs and literature are definitely great when done properly, bittersweet drinks really don’t do it for me. And neither does Ice T after “OG: Original Gangster.”

Oh Ice T, your big booty wife is a cool and refreshing beverage.

I apologize for the rather lack luster “iced tea=Ice T” joke but how could I not at least attempt something like that? I swear at some point I had a solid joke lined up (including the tweaked, half hearted “Space Ghost” reference) but it got lost in the lines and curves of Coco’s posterior (read: ass). That’s her name right? Coco T? Imagine that: cocoa tea. Sounds disgusting!

What is the deal with Ice T marrying somebody named after a drink? Does he only hang out with people with beverage related names? Ernie C isn’t a drink is it? Maybe it’s some obscure alcoholic beverage that seven or eight people have heard of and which only two or three bother enjoy. “I’ll have an Ernie C on the rocks, please.”

This is Ernie C. He plays guitar for Ice T’s heavy metal band “Body Count.” You’re a better person for knowing this, I promise.
Photo Courtesy of Outlook

Okay, since I just set a new category for this post (it’s now “Health Related” as if you couldn’t tell by reading it) I really have to get into iced tea and why I’ve gotten into the habit of drinking it regularly. Simply put: I drink iced tea because it’s one of the lowest calorie (and healthiest) ways to get a little caffeine.

As a newspaper man, I don’t get a ton of sleep: running around Alpena, covering all the wild and wooly sports stories leaves me up late hours, contemplating all sorts of things, including but not limited to “which bar should I go out to after work tonight?” and “I bet Latitudes doesn’t serve the Ernie C.” Without caffeine, I’d be something of a sports writing zombie.

Also, iced tea has a lot of antioxidants. These are supposed to be very good for you because they help your body…do something. I think they boost your immune system but don’t quote me on that. This article discusses the health benefits of iced tea versus hot tea but I just didn’t have the time to go wild reading it.

There, that explains it.
Photo Courtesy of Amazing Gluathione.

I’m convinced: I definitely need more antioxidants in my life. According to the site from which I got that image (I know it’s proper grammar to say ‘from which’ but it always feels so awkward to me) there is apparently “almost limitless” uses for antioxidants!

Almost limitless? I don’t have the time for that. Plus, the entry is already getting annoyingly long. And I need to get my tea refilled. Bye kids.