I’m willing to bet that people have debated about whether cats or dogs are better since the very beginning of domestication. The rule seems to be you are either a) a cat person or b) a dog person. The battle has raged for untold millennia, with thousands of headless cat and dog corpses found littering the streets of the world. One day, one will stand alone, screaming “THERE SHALL BE ONLY ONE!” as lightning ravages through their body, giving them untold strength and nearly god-like powers.

Like this. But with cats.

Until that day, the endless battle rages on. Well, I’m here to settle the debate once and for all: what I decide here shall be the final word on whether cats or dogs are better. Why? Because it’s my blog, dammit and it exists within a universe of my own mind. And within my own personal universe, I am the overlord of all I see and make all the big decisions.

The format here will be simple: I will create lists detailing the good points and the bad points of each. A good point will give the animal a +1. A bad point will take away a point. Simple, efficient and mathematically sound. What more could you want?

Cat Positive Points List.

1. Cats are easy to potty train. This is perhaps the greatest point in favor of a cat versus a dog. There are many things you must do to get your dog ready to live in your house. The most essential is teaching it to go outside to use the bathroom. To an extent, a dog will avoid “shitting where it eats” but that can be as simple as shitting in “that corner” instead of “this corner.” Potty training books have been written for individual breeds, as they can vary in ease of training.

A cat training method? Step One: Put litter box in an area you don’t mind stinking. Step Two: Put cat in box. Step Three: The cat’s already trained. That’s one point for the cats.

2. Cats are independent. Another major positive for cat ownership is the independence of the cat. Owners can simply put several bowls of food throughout the house as well as a few litter boxes (and an open toilet) to keep a cat safe and healthy for up to a week. This is because cat’s are not as big into the whole group thing as dogs. Dogs will eat all their food in a day, use the house as their giant toilet and destroy all the furniture in a single day. Point goes to the cat here.

3. Cats kill pests. A cat will naturally kill any mice, moles, voles, moths, bees or Republicans that have invaded your house. A dog might kill some of these but is more likely to kill things you want around, such as pretty birds or positivists. Point goes to the cats again.

Three points for cats? TOUCH DOWN!

Cat Negative Points

1. Cats are aloof and distance. With the positives of a cat being independent comes the negative side: cats simply don’t bond with their owners as quickly or as fully as dogs. In fact, cats are often sociopaths that care little for the life or death of their owners beyond whether or not they’re getting fed. There are exceptions to this rule but in general it’s going to have to be a major negative for cats.

2. Cat scratch fever. Cats are very well known for sharpening their claws on whatever hard object is lying around the house. This trait is nearly impossible to train out of a cat beyond yelling and water bottle spraying. Some people de-claw their cat but this permanently disfigures their foot. Even if it’s something they can’t control, it has to be considered a negative.

3. Cats steal breath. Remember that awful movie “Cat’s Eye” where the cat protected the little girl from a troll that sucked her breath? This was only so he could have her to himself. Cat’s sucking breath is a definite negative in my book!

Gimme dat breath!

So far, cat’s have zero points. Will the dog’s do any better? Check back tomorrow for the results.