So the votes have been tallied and the final count shows that: dogs and cats are mathematically the same. This is based on my flawless calculations (and the idea of making three positives and negatives for each) causing the final results to balance out in a way that I had totally predicted and which was no doubt obvious to anybody reading the entries from the very beginning.

But now that I’ve said I would finally decide on which was better, I find myself regretting not taking the mathematical approach seriously. Now I gotta (for real) figure this out using my own BRAIN and creating a series of highly subjective arguments that won’t please anybody but myself. Or perhaps those that hate both cats and dogs (or me in particular) and are pleased to see me in so much pain and suffering.

Hey I can get behind a little schadenfreude if that’s what gets you going. Especially if it’s at my expense. As few of you understand (beyond a certain Carrie Meltz who shall remain nameless) I am first and foremost an emotional masochist. Cut me and do I not bleed? Perhaps. And perhaps part of me enjoys that.

But not half as much as pictures like this. BWAAAAAAAA!
Photo Courtesy Wabash First UMC

Here’s what it comes down to: I actually like cats and dogs about the same. That’s what I’ve been hinting at throughout these entries and it’s a realization that probably comes as no shock. Normally, I’m all about equivalence and letting things sit as they are: but in this case, I promised results. And I can’t let my 40 or so readers down.

I don’t currently own a pet of my own (beyond throwing love and affection at my parents’ and sister’s dachshunds) but I can honestly say that if I were to get a pet at this point in my life, I would undoubtedly and without hesitation get a cat instead of a dog.


The reasons for this are obvious and were outlined in my previous posts: cats are basically easier to take care of than dogs. I find it hard enough to untie my shoes before putting them on and as I’m a busy and “on-the-go” newspaper man, how could I have the time to spend taking care of a dog? I wouldn’t have any time and the dog and I would suffer. It’s common human decency for me not to get a dog.

Also, I am one of those select few “cat whisperer” people that cats immediately and irrevocably fall in love with as soon as they lay their evil (as yes they are evil) eyes upon me. I don’t know why, but cats will roll around on my face, purring like madmen fifteen seconds after meeting me. If it’s my super power I guess I’m okay with that but I’d prefer laser eyes or stretchy arms or something.

Dogs are going down for the count.
Photo Courtesy Down Town

But if I was in a different place in life (such as owning my own home with a big yard and with less wildly divergent work hours) I’d probably actually prefer to get a dog. I think that dogs, in all honesty when I break it down, really do make the better pets. A good dog is 100 times more loyal than a cat, more friendly with strangers (generally, depending on breeds) and are generally more enjoyable to have around than a good cat that is still always five seconds from spazzing out and biting you for no reason beyond their own cat psychosis.

Oh! Dogs bounce back for a potential upset.
Photo Courtesy Daily Haha.

So you see I’m stuck between a dog and a pissed cat here: on the one hand, cats suit my particular lifestyle better but I honestly believe dogs are (slightly) the better pet. I think the best thing for you to do is to hang out with other people’s pets, see what it takes to take care of them and then make the decision on your own.

But I’d like you to think of this point: when was the last time you saw a cat grinning it’s head off for no reason beyond the fact that you just walked in the room? Probably never. If any pet has ever grinned its ass off just because you existed it was most likely a dog. Because they adore you and worship the fact that you are alive.

Like this guy though he sits rather too close to the “uncanny valley” for his own good.
Same with that weird looking dog behind him.