Have you ever watched a movie that was beloved by just about everybody in the world and found that it simply didn’t do anything for you? For example, did you watch “Forrest Gump” with an eager sneer, angrily screaming at the stupidity of the main character as well as the ridiculousness of the central premise (very dumb guy is somehow present at a lot of amazing things/changes the world in many ways) and the fact that he ends up hooking with and marrying the ultra skeezy Jenny  while at the same time kind of wishing you had a chance to meet her in the 60’s or 70’s because damn she kind of had it going on)?

Skeezy, with a slight scent of trashy and a dash of desperation.

“Forrest Gump” has many detractors (as well as many followers) but that movie doesn’t bother me so much. Per se. I guess I’m annoyed that his marriage to Jenny is trumped up as some kind of beautiful thing (like, he finally got the slut) but I guess the real beautiful thing is that he ends up with a son of his own, ensuring he will never be alone. Except for when the son grows up to be smarter than his dad (which probably already is) at which point he’ll probably hate his dad’s well meaning idiocy, while enjoying the trust fund money his dad gives him after the guy with the I.Q. of 75 inexplicably lucks into a fortune.

At which point, he’ll eventually learn even more how to not act in “The Sixth Sense.” And damn if she still doesn’t have it going on, even dying of AIDS as she is here.

And nevermind that movie, beyond it’s special effects mastery and incredible length, is nothing more than an extended play on the “Horatio Alger myth” i.e. the idea promoted by Alger in over 100 books that anybody in America is capable of success, regardless of their social standing, and in Gump’s case, in spite of actually technically being a retarded man. Nevermind that the “Horatio Alger Myth” has been widely discredited and was even mocked during Alger’s time.

Or the fact that he wrote books with titles like “Ragged Dick.”

No, the movie is a great success because of the fact that it features more “laugh at the retard” jokes than the average Carlos Mencia stand up routine. That’s what Mencia does right? Make jokes about retarded people? I’ve never actually watched one of his routines. Maybe they are designed FOR retarded people? I have no idea.

For example, that one scene where Forrest runs away from the kids in the truck that want to beat him up? Hilarious. Isn’t it funny to see a retarded man run for his laugh against those who would kill him? I know I was larfing my ass through scenes like that. Also, the scenes where he’s running in general: a retarded guy running is INHERENTLY funny, right?

Oh and remember the scene where he drinks a bunch of soda and has to PEE moments before meeting the president?! Oh my stars and garters. I can’t believe how hilarious that scene was: I couldn’t stop laughing when he exploded in piss all over the president and everybody stood gawking at the yellow president! Ha!

And all this leads up to the main point of this point: fuck “The Usual Suspects.”

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