(Play opens with a small stage with no props save a small futon couch positioned stage center. An anxious looking man of good health sits on the left side of the couch. He betrays nervousness in whatever the actor sees fit. The actor should be handsome without being overwhelmingly good looking. A woman comes from stage left. She should move evocatively across the stage as if she owns it. She should be dressed in clothes that reveal her curves (and the actress should have ample curves) while not being incredibly, incredibly “slutty.” The man ignores her as she walks across the stage, exiting stage right.)

Man: It’s cold. (the man shivers) I can’t believe how cold it is tonight.

(The same woman walks back across the stage, as evocatively as ever. Try to find an actress who is really busty and curvy in all the right areas. Rubenesque would be the proper term. She should appear to be attempting to appeal to the man but should move off stage quickly. The man should steadfastly ignore her.)

Man: I suppose I should just get up and turn on the heat. (The man briefly stands up but then sits back down in his chair) Nah. A little suffering never hurt anybody.

Voice from offstage (played by the busty woman talking through megaphone): Cept those that it killed. (Man appears not to notice the shouting voice but stands up, walks stage left and turns an imaginary dial. He stands there for a moment, rubbing his arms and trying to “get warm” holding his hands in front of an imaginary heat vent on the ground. After a moment, he smiles, stands up and walks back to the couch and sits down)

Man: I need to do something today. (The man looks around the room) But what?

(The man stands up and moves up stage left. He stops at an imaginary table and pretends to pick up something. Man starts moving hand in the air as if he is playing with a ball and paddle. A big smile should erupt across his face as he plays. Man should move around the room erratically and randomly)

Man: Wheeee! (Or whatever sound of joy is most natural for the actor)

Voice off stage: Wasting your life! You’re wasting your life!

(Man stops playing nearly immediately, chucking the toy to the side. He sighs heavily and moves back to the couch, sitting down)

(A few beats should pass before the man begins to speak again)

Man: I’ve been playing around too much. Having too much fun. Yeah. I should really…do some writing. I waste my time with those stupid games what I really need to do is get back to that book.

(Man stands up, walks to the same imaginary table and drags it over to the couch. Man pretends to open a laptop and begins to type)

Man (narrating out loud to himself): And then she said “You can hit me Sandoval, but you can’t fuck me. That’s not part of the deal.” Sandoval hit her hard across the face, knocking her to the ground. She looks up at him, blood trailing down her face. “That’s it,” she said, “go ahead and hurt me the way you always wanted to!” (stopping narrating for a minute) Wow I’m liking where this is going. Sex and violence sell…

Voice from off stage: Talentless! Perverted! What would your MOTHER think of this book?

(Man closes laptop and pushes table away, back to their original spot. Sits down on the couch and groans, rubs his hands through his hair and shakes his head)

(A beat or two should pass before he speaks. Let the silence of the stage fill the room)

Man: Food, I know, I’ll make some food. Gotta eat right? Nothing that could be wrong with eating right?

(Man moves up stage center and begins fiddling about as if cooking something. Breaks some eggs, drops them in a pan and begins scrambling them. Take a few moments to cook the eggs here and smell them as you cook. A smile should come across the face of the man as he eats)

Voice from offstage: High in cholesterol! Heart attack! Obesity! You’re gonna get fatter kid! Who wants to fuck a fatty?

(Man stops cooking, pulls the pan off the stove and dumps the eggs into a garbage can next to the stove. Remember, these are all imaginary so the man must simply act this out. Man moves back to his couch and sits down again. Let a few beats pass again before he starts to speak)

Man: It’s still cold in here. So cold…

(The woman walks back across the stage, really exaggerating her motions as she walks. She should walk very “sexy” and in a way that is designed to draw attention to herself from the man. It should be nearly parodic and should make the audience laugh if done right. She should also mug a bit with her face for maximum effect. The man should notice her this time and watch her walk across the room. He should appear appreciative. The woman then stops before getting off stage and turns to face the audience, looking towards the man)

Man: Who are you?

Woman: Doesn’t matter.

Man (shakes head): Of course it matters. How did you get in here?

Woman (laughs): It’s wide open!

Man (smiling): I suppose it is now isn’t it? (The two sit quietly for a few minutes, awkwardly trying to read the other)

Man: What do you want?

Woman: Oh lots of things… (the woman begins moving back across the stage, moving in front of the man, turning before leaving the stage and walking back) I want nice clothes…and a nice place to live…

Man: Who doesn’t want that?

Woman: Everybody wants that, I’m sure.

Man: Well then, what do you want?

Woman (stopping to consider the question. She should be moving closer to the man as she talks): Somebody to talk to would be awful nice.

Man: You got that. I’m talking to you.

Woman (laughs): So I do!

Man: What else?

Woman: Well…I wouldn’t mind…a big…black cock ten inches inside of me.

(The man looks shocked and coughs loudly. The woman laughs)

Woman: Took you by surprise huh?

Man: It’s rather frank.

Woman: And it’s a lie.

Man: You wouldn’t want a big block cock in you?

Woman: Oh no that wouldn’t be so bad but I’m not…I guess I don’t need it…

Man: We’re not talking needs here, we’re talking wants.

Woman: Right, right. I suppose I would want that. But it’s not essential.

(The man laughs excessively loud)

Man: That’s what women always want…a huge black cock and some white pussy like myself to talk to…

Woman: Hey now, that’s not fair.

Man: That’s life.

Woman: It’s crap. You ask me what I want and I tell you. Suddenly, I’m an awful person.

Man: I never said that.

Woman: Implied it. Is it so awful to want to fuck? Is it so wrong to want to have a little fun? Don’t you want to fuck?

Man (trying to joke): What you mean right now?

Woman: That’s not funny. You’re being a sexist and a racist.

Man: What?! No I’m not.

Woman: Yes you are. (She begins moving around the stage angrily. She stops and points at him) Yes you are.

Man: How?

Woman: You get mad at me because I want to fuck. That’s sexist because you’re judging me as a slut when it’s simply a natural desire.

Man: It was like the first thing you said!

Woman: I was trying to be funny! Plus, you took great exception at me saying I wanted a black cock.

Man: That was a joke.

Woman: Bullshit it was. That was racial jealousy. You don’t like the idea of a white woman riding a black cock do you?

Man (visibly angry): I never said that!

Woman: You can’t stand the idea of a big, twelve inch long, two inch thick black cock sliding in and out of my pussy for hours can you? Can’t stand the fact that I just might find a black guy sexier than you. That I might prefer them. That I might have “betrayed my race”!

Man: Get out of here! I don’t have to listen to this! (Woman walks off stage left, fumingly. Man sits down on the couch and angrily mumbles to himself) It’s why you don’t let people in…they just…let you down…

Voice off stage: Big black cock!

Man: Shut up!

Voice off stage: Big white ass…riding a big black cock…cum dripping out her pussy, out her ass, out her mouth as she eagerly rides a cock twice the size of yours!

Man: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! (Man puts his head in his hands and squeezes his temples. Actor should try to get eyes wet here)

(Let a few beats pass before the actor speaks. The woman should be quickly changing into a new costume at this point)

Man: I just…I don’t get it…

(Stage fades to black briefly before moving on to the second part)