My family (on both sides) has a history and genetic tendency towards obesity which has become an obsession of mine over the last few…decades of my life. Considering I’ve only been alive three decades and you’ll understand how it has become something that has driven me to very strange acts in my life. I have probably gained and lost enough weight in the last five years alone to create a single human being. Which would be useful (if she was a girl) but I lack the scientific know-how to perform this act.

Honestly, I probably haven’t gained and lost enough weight in my life to make this girl’s chest.

Pointless pervy sexism aside, I’ve found that there are really only two things you need to do to lose weight. You ready for this? It’s a pretty big deal: imagine if you knew the secret of weight loss (the secret that billions around the world desire) and you held it in your finger tips. You sure you ready to handle this? Okay, here it is, outlined for the billions of people who read my blog daily.

Step One: Eat less food.

Step Two: Exercise more.

BOOM! Simple as that.


Ain’t It Cool to know that Harry? AIN’T IT COOL?!
I shouldn’t have used this image: he’s pointing out gun shot wounds. Oh well, as Bon Scott once put it “hell ain’t a bad place to be” even if he meant that sarcastically about New York City. Where was I?

Anyways, while I’ve never been as heavy as the unfortunate Harry Knowles, I have pushed 250 at certain points in my life. Being six foot tall and rather wide framed, this isn’t TOO bad but I won’t lie to myself and claim that it’s okay to be this heavy. After all, my blood pressure teeters on being a tad too high, I have some back pain and I am not sure but I think girls may find me slightly less attractive than Brad Pitt.


See, I think I got Betty Davis eyes.

Unirregardlessly (whoa) of that, I have once again started my weight loss trip. This won’t be as extreme as my four month 35 pound weight loss trip my last semester at NMU. Instead, this will be a much slower trip down the scales of fatness. Here’s my two step plan.

Step One: Eat less.

Step Two: Exercise more.

Couldn’t be simpler! Or okay, here’s the more detailed plan. I’m eating a lot less and focusing on fiber rich foods. Fiber is a weight loss champion. Simply eating more fiber and not even changing your diet will cause you to lose weight. It also causes you to feel more full longer. So I’m chomping down that shit big time.

Also, I’m cutting back on eating Little Caesars and other pizza places. When I do eat out, it’s a sandwich from The Fresh Palate in Alpena or a bagel at the Bagel Stop. Then, I eat a variety of healthy stuff at work, including drinking a lot of V8 and eating plenty of fresh fruit.

Exercise is a bit of a harder thing for me because I don’t have a lot of time on my hands. However, I try to walk at least a half hour a day and usually more like an hour to two. This I do with friends because they enjoy walking and its a great way to bond. Also, I do some simple ten minute exercises simply to stay active.

Plus, I have a new freelance writing job and I am committed to not only writing a lot there but writing a lot every day on my own time. Writing, for a person of my weight and stature burns 74 calories an hour. I checked it here. And that’s on top of my body’s natural burn of about 100 calories an hour simply to keep itself functioning.

I hope to burn at least 500 to 1000 calories more a day than I consume. Wow! Sounds like those pounds will just be FLYING off me eh?

You’d think so but according to every source I could find (including this one) burning a pound of body fat requires exerting 3,500 more calories than you can consume. Wow! So obviously I’m not going to be losing even a pound a day. But if I can lose one to two pounds a week, I’ll burn 4-8 pounds a month. Keeping it up at this rate, I can have burned nearly 30 pounds by December!

At that rate (combined with my sparkling charisma and natural wit) I’ll be able to (in the highly sarcastic words of my friend Larry) walk into a room, point at a girl and say “you!” Because why else would I want to get in shape but to pick up chicks?!


I assume the “you!” method is how Pitt finds women.