For people who have been following “Adventures in Alpena” (bout 6 if my page views are to be believed) an update on that absolutely true not at all fake story can relax: the continuing stories of me and Jenny will be brought back to you after this brief little dissertation. If I don’t do writing like this to break up the monotony of detailing such realistic things that actually happened, I may get tired of it and never come back to it or finish it. And it’s a story that must be finished.

You’re a gizzard, Harry.

I can’t believe I haven’t written about it yet because it just happens to be my favorite time of the year: Halloween! What’s not to like? The creepy (kind of but mostly hilarious) movies, the great costume ideas, incredibly hot girls dressing up in really skanky costumes at the bar, posing like some sort of creepster hipster for all the boys on their block? All those boys on the block desperate to look cool or “nerdy” enough to attract those chicks. Failing to do so because of their own inadequacies. Blaming the girl.

Where’s the candy?

Every year I tell myself I’m going to make or buy a cool costume and every year I throw together some random crap and say I did it on purpose. One year, I threw on some sort of cap, a pair of colored sunglasses, a cigarette in a holder and BAM I’m Hunter S. Thompson. Last year I bought a bunch of random crap and threw it on and said I was “A Bad Halloween Costume.” Whatever works for you, I suppose.

Only slightly less lazy than my usual style.

I think my worst costume idea ever was “casual” Hitler as a) I just grew a Hitler mustache and dressed the same and b) a kid I substitute taught for saw me and remembered me forever more as casual Hitler. I learned an important lesson from this experience: our actions have unseen consequences and being lazy is being lazy no matter how many mustaches you grow.

And I’m not skinny enough to pull of Ron Mael.

This year I swear I’m going to do it better by being a bit more restrained than I was in the past. My past ideas were always too ambitious and, given my limited carpentry skills, essentially impossible for me to pull off successfully. I mean, being the solar system would have been sweet but I can barely hammer a nail into a board: how would I make myself the center of the universe?

I’ll just go the Snooki route and PRETEND I am!

The problem with ambitious costume ideas is that I would stall when it came time to do them and would inevitably throw together whatever random crap I could find. This year, I’m pretty sure I want to focus on simple but fun costume ideas that are well within my abilities to realize. Some of them are the most popular costume ideas ever so be prepared for some yawns:


What could be more yawn inducing than a zombie costume? Yes, zombies are cool but they’re played out in too many movies and video games. I still enjoy the movies and the idea though (plus the fact that this would be easy) so I’m probably going to do that anyways. I’ll be a pretty dull zombie but I’ll shuffle about like I’m an idiot and the illusion will be complete.

Perhaps not as good as this…

A Famous Person

I actually take back what I said about my last year’s costume: last year I was a broad caricature of Zack Galifinakis as seen in “The Hangover.” It was really easy: I didn’t spend a dime. Some years, I’ve considered going as a fat era Brian Wilson (my hair and beard were definitely close) simply throwing a sheet around me and singing “mama’s little baby loves shortening shortening” for hours on end. But I cut my hair recently so that’s out.

Friends and family can attest how often I end up looking like this…

A Bunch of Lazy Crap I Threw Together At The Last Minute

Hear my out here! I know I started this entry complaining about my tendency to throw random crap together to make a costume that looked like nothing so much as nothing. But that approach does have its advantages: for example it boosts the imagination of those around you. After all, a man with a yellow rain coat, Groucho Marx glasses, fake buck teeth, a dog leash and fistfulls of bubble wrap could be ANYTHING!

Sorry, no image could be provided.