Archives for posts with tag: stream of consciousness

Hey! Sorry to anybody that has been following my “Adventures in Alpena” non-fiction story but life has been a bit wild for me lately. I’m now working a grand total of three jobs lately: the newspaper, my writing job and actually assigning articles out. Granted, the last two don’t take that long to accomplish but they have been eating into my time and my creativity.

I also had a wild time covering some pretty intense sporting events but the next few weeks are going to be relatively lax. Basically, I cover one game next week and that’s about it. I kind of like that aspect of the job: the wax and wane of the sporting season. Plus, I’m finally getting something close to an understanding of more sports which also helps out big time.

What’s this gotta do with anything?

I used to update at least one of my blogs every day and now it’s been several weeks. That’s just unacceptable. Right now, I am at work but I have nothing at all to do so I am taking advantage of that momentary lapse of busy-ness to rant and rave a bit. I don’t feel like going off on the “Adventures in Alpena” story but I am eventually going to reveal who is behind that door…

The election is coming up and it’s driving me nuts. I can’t wait for it to be done so everybody stops talking about Mitt Romney for a few minutes and I can think straight without the vague concern that he’s going to win the election in spite of all his “bad, old” ideas and his blatant lies and obvious shadiness. You never know what’s going to happen: thankfully, I’ll be up in Saint Ignace covering volleyball regionals and should be able to ignore most of that political garbage.

Yes, people occasionally fly in volleyball.

I am also a little disappointed that I didn’t get to watch as many horror movies this October as last. I think I watched maybe about 26. I fell slightly short of my goal but last year I watched something like 50 so I don’t think it’s a huge deal. I can just carry them over: unlike my phone minutes, the extra movies DO carry over. Why? Because it’s my arbitrary goal to meet, damn it and I’ll meet it any way I can!

And although it’s not a huge deal to me (not like it was in the past) being single at 30 is kind of a drag. I live in a romantic vacuum due to the rather small size of the town I”m currently living in and when you’re kind of picky and/or used to dating the kinds of girls you want to date (instead of the kind of girls you date because they’re there) it’s a bit hard to meet the girl you want.

Basically, her but without being a porn star and having a PhD in Awesomeness.

However, I am trying to stick to my stronger diet and I exercise more frequently (been a bit lazy this week) and I’m enjoying living in my new place and things really honestly only seem to look up at this point. I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that my extreme expectations for myself will happen only if I focus and understand that patience is a virtue.

I still hate waiting for the good stuff to happen, though.


(Lights fade in on the man lying on the couch. He is still shocked, sitting on the couch in silence. Let a few moments pass as he sits on the couch, enough time for the woman to change into a new outfit and come on stage. Her new outfit should be something the woman chooses herself)

(The woman walks up center stage and stands as close to the edge of the stage as possible. The lights should hit her sporadically, darkening her figure considerably. The woman should start humming, quietly at first but emphatically after a few moments. She can hum whatever she wants. My suggestion is either classical melodies or bubble gum pop)

(The man should start humming the melodies along with the woman. Obviously, they should have decided on a melody before hand. Both stand very still, not looking at each other. Her back should be to the man for this entire scene. The man should eventually sit up on the couch, sitting directly in the center. He should then look at the woman’s back, continuing to hum)

(Eventually, the two should start humming “Picasso’s Final Words” by Paul McCartney and the Wings. Specifically the “drink to me, drink to my health, you know I can’t drink any more” section. The man should then stand up and walk across the stage towards the woman. She should not react to him moving in the slightest)

(The man should then walk across the stage to the woman and stand directly behind her. Their bodies should be touching. The man should then throw his arms around the woman, holding her in a gentle, intimate matter. He should lay his head on her shoulder and continue humming. They should both be swaying in unison with each other. The woman should still appear not to have noticed the man)

Man (singing): Drink to me…drink to my health…

Woman (singing): Drink to me…drink to my health…

Man (singing): You know I can’t, drink any more…

Woman (singing): You know I can’t, drink any more…

Man (singing): Jet!

Woman (singing): Wooo hooo oooo wooo hooo ooo wooo ooo hooo…

Man (singing): Jet!

Woman (singing): Wooo hooo oooo wooo hooo ooo wooo ooo hoo…

(Man kisses the woman on the neck. At this point, the woman should let loose with a heart wrenching scream. The scream should be as loud as possible and should sound like the death cry of a person falling off a building. The man should then stumble backwards and fall onto the couch as the woman screams. He should stare at her wide eyed as she screams, terrified and unable to think. Eventually the woman should let the scream die)

(The woman smiles a little bit and starts to sway in place. She should then start humming a new song, “Are You Gonna Go My Way” by Lenny Kravitz. Why? I don’t know. The man should cautiously walk up to her as she sways and reach out to touch her. The woman should grumble, moan, deep in her throat in a threatening way. The man will then withdraw his hand. She smiles and continues to hum and sway)

(The man begins pacing back and forth across the stage. Left stage to right stage and back again. He should be several steps behind the woman. His eyes should be trained on her at all times as he walks)

Man: You know what…

(Woman ignores him or doesn’t here him and continues to sway. Man keeps pacing)

Man: I don’t get it I just…

Woman (singing): Are you gonna go my way?

Man (stops pacing): Maybe.

(Woman loudly sings the riff of the sing while the man tries to talk to her. This should hold true over all dialogue from this point until otherwise noted)

Man: I was just wondering…I mean…I’ve seen you around here before…(man is getting exasperated with the singing) You said…you sang…quit please, can you please stop singing? (Woman keeps singing) I have something important to ask you…stop singing please…(Woman keeps singing)

Man: Please, please stop singing (Woman keeps singing. Man raises his voice) Please, please stop singing! (Woman keeps singing. Man raises his voice to a shout) Please! Please stop singing! (Woman sings louder as if trying to sing over the man. The man screams the next line at the top of his voice) Please stop fucking singing!

(Woman stops singing for a moment. Let the impact of the scream hang in the air for a few moments. The Woman should have a slightly shocked expression on her face. Eventually, she starts singing the riff again. The man collapses on the couch, defeated)

Man: I don’t understand…just talk to me…

(Woman keeps singing but slowly begins walking off stage right. She keeps singing the riff over and over again. The man watches her as she walks off stage)

Woman (just as she is about to get off stage): Are you gonna go my way? (moves off stage)

Man (after a few seconds, shouting): Yes! Yes I am! Come back! Come back! (stage is silent as the man sits. The woman should move backstage, changing into a new costume as she goes, grabbing her megaphone and moving to stage left. While she does this the man should stare quietly at stage right where the woman exited)

Voice off stage: It’s your fault! It’s all your fault!

Man: My fault? (still looking stage right) It’s my fault?

Voice off stage: Of course it’s your fault! It’s always your fault!

Man: It is? (turning stage front, sitting on the couch in the middle) It is.

Voice off stage: Of course it is. Who else would be so stupid?

Man: So stupid…who else is so…stupid…

Voice off stage: Nobody! Nobody is that stupid!

Man: Nobody is that stupid…I’m that stupid…(points at chest) I’m…that…stupid…

Voice off stage: You sure are! It’s good to see you’re finally getting your head clear. Finally starting to think straight.

Man: I can see clearly now…I understand it…I understand everything…it is my fault.

Voice: Do you understand now? Do you understand?

Man: I do…I do understand.

Voice off stage: No you don’t!

Man: (getting angry) Yes I do!

Voice off stage: You understand nothing! You never have! You never will!

Man (standing up, pointing off to stage left): Yes I do! I know now who you are and why you torment me!

Voice off stage: Do you now? (laughs) Go ahead, tell me, who am I?

Man (raising his voice as he goes): You’re the slimy underbelly of indecision, self loathing and confusion. You are contradiction, rage and sadism. You are the pestering mosquito pest that bites the back of everyone’s mind, draining their energy, their soul and their youth.

Man (moves closer to stage left): You’re the shouting voice in the back of everybody’s mind that tells them they are a failure, no good and worthless. You are the self fulfilling, self defeating prophecy that devastates everybody from the moment they are born to the moment they die! You are…

Voice off stage (laughing, interrupting): Maybe I am all of those things.

Man: You are!

Voice off stage: Maybe I am none of those things.

Man: I know what you are…I know where you come from…

Voice off stage (laughing): Maybe you do know. But you have to ask yourself three questions.

Man (defiantly): Yeah? What?

Voice off stage: What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about me? How are you going to get rid of me?

Man (shouting): I…(whispering) I…(man moves to the couch and sits down. He moves his lips quietly as if he is contemplating something, trying to figure out an important truth) I…(the luster gradually fades from his rage as he thinks) I don’t know…

Voice off stage: Yes…you finally understand…you finally get it.

(Man stares out over the audience as the stage fades to black)


(Lights fade in on man sitting on the couch He sits up straight and looks around the room after a few moments sitting quietly and motionlessly. He looks down at his hands and then out at the audience)

Man: I gotta get out of here. I can’t take it any more.

Voice off stage: You can never leave!

Man: Shut up! I’ll leave when I please.

Voice off stage: You can never leave!

Man: Nonsense! And I’ll prove it to you! (Gets up and walks slowly stage left. Speaks as he is walking) I’m leaving! Bye! I’m never coming back! This place is now just history to me.

(Walks off stage left, continuing to talk)

Man: Nobody tells me where I can and can’t go…

Voice off stage: You can never leave!

Man: (shouting from off stage) I’ll go where I please! (Man should then loop around the backstage to take position at stage right, off stage. A few beats should pass before the scene resumes with the dialogue)

Voice off stage: You can never leave! You can never leave!

(A few beats should pass between each line of dialogue here. Utilize silence in a big way here)

Voice off stage: You can never leave! You can never leave!

(A few beats should pass here again)

Voice off stage: You can never leave! You can never leave!

(Man walks onto stage from stage right, talking as he comes. He should begin the next line of dialogue as he is walking on stage)

Man: All that walking in nothing, all that walking…see! (points to the couch) I’m already somewhere new..I’ve never been here before…this place isn’t so big after all…gonna be a snap to just walk right out…(man should continue walking across the stage as he talks, exciting stage left by this point. His dialogue should fade out as he walks off stage, cutting off after the last line. Man should then take up position stage left off stage for his eventual reemergence. Let a few beats pass before continuing dialogue)

Voice off stage: Walking in circles! You’re walking in circles! You can never leave here! You can never leave!

(Let a few beats pass before the next line of dialogue)

Voice off stage: You’re only kidding yourself! You’re going nowhere fast. You’re stuck here forever. You can never leave here! You can never leave!

(Man walks back from stage left, talking as he walks. As he talks, he should move upstage center, in front of the couch)

Man: What do you mean I’m going in circles! I’ve clearly never been here before…right? No, there’s no way. I’ve went so far, down all sorts of dark, twisting paths. I’ve had to fight off…all sorts of…problems just to get here. There is no way I’m walking in circles…I’m getting somewhere…this just can’t be the same couch I started at…there’s no way…(Man should start walking off stage at about “There is no way” walking off stage right slowly as he talks. He should slowly let his voice fade away as he walks off stage. He should loop around behind the back stage and take up a position during the following dialogue scenes, taking position off stage at left stage)

Voice off stage: Of course! Of course! You’ve went so far and walked down twisting paths! You’ve fought off problem after problem but you aren’t getting anywhere! You keep coming back to the same place. You can never leave here!

(Let a few beats pass before the voice comes in again)

Voice off stage: You got your feet in the mud! You’re moving at a snail’s pace even as you sprint! You can never leave here! You’ve always been here and you always will be! There is nowhere for you to go, to end up, to find your peace but here. It’ll take more than a few hours of wandering to escape. You can never leave here!

(Man walks back on stage from stage left. He looks exhausted as he walks, moving to the couch and collapsing on it. He sprawls out on it fully, stretching his body and sighing as he stretches. Part of him appears to understand that he has gone nowhere but only part. He should appear somewhat satisfied as he sits, as if he accomplished a lot)

Man: Wow what a journey! You wouldn’t believe what I saw…and what I did…

(Woman walks on stage dressed in “hipster-ish” clothes)

Woman: Oh yeah? (as if he was talking to her) What did you do?

Man: I walked across sand seas that stretched as far as the eye could see without a single drop of water. Days on end I trudged.

Woman: Wow!

Man: And then I came across a giant with a head filled with eyes and tentacles coming out of its back.

Woman: What did you do?

Man: I fled as fast as I could, the only thing I could do.

Woman: Understandable. What else?

Man: I climbed a mountain made of dreams. Each stepped cause a dream to leak out and float before my eyes, playing out as a miniature play in a fraction of a second and impacting my mind forever.

Woman: That’s fantastic!

Man: It’s nothing compared to fighting off a legion of snarling hell beasts with a scythe in a field of human limbs, growing right out of the ground like corn stalks.

Woman: Hell beasts?

Man: Yes, creatures directly from hell. I stood shoulder to shoulder with all my loved ones, past, present and future and we each slashed out as the hell beasts pressed upon us. Blood flew in the air, muscle and sinew ripped as we tore our way through the legions of the damned, fighting to preserve our lives and our souls!

Woman: That’s incredible! What did you do after that?

Man: I met a million women each more beautiful than the last, each more chaste and perfect than the one before. Each of them offered themselves to me, one at a time. I remained pure and steadfast and I moved through them, careful not to touch a single inch of skin or hair on their bodies. They wept and moaned as I walked past, pulled their hair and thrashed at their clothes as I passed, desperate for release, desperate for the touch of another but unable to receive it.

Woman: Again, wow, wow! I can’t believe it!

Man: I know, it’s quite incredible.

Woman: No, I mean, I can’t believe it. (Woman stands up, moves towards man) And I don’t believe it.

Man: What?

Woman: You can lie to yourself but you can’t lie to me. You walked in circles for hours, got lost and ended up back in the spot you started over and over.

Man: That’s not true!

Woman: Yes it is! You know it’s true and until you can accept that I’m out of here. (Woman walks off stage as the man stares at her from the couch)

Man: But it’s true…it’s true…I’m not lying…I did all that…it’s true…it’s true…it’s true…(lights slowly fade on the man as he rambles on, repeating “it’s true” over and over until the scene fades entirely to black for good)

(Lights fade in man sitting on the couch. He is obviously unhappy but seems unable to do anything about what is bothering him. He looks over the heads of the audience, staring off into nothingness as if he is looking for an answer)

Voice from offstage: Get your shit together!

Man: I really…I need to get my shit together…

Voice from offstage: Do you even know who you are? What you want to do? Where your life is going?

Man (rubbing hands through hair): I don’t think I really know who I am or what I want. What kind of life am I living?

Voice from offstage: Think! Think for once in your life! You’re always just acting! Make a plan.

Man: I…I gotta think. I never think…I just act. Or let others do my thinking for me. I think I need…some kind of plan…

Voice from offstage: Call your mom.

Man: I should call my mom. She always…help straighten things out for me…

(Man reaches over to imaginary table and picks up imaginary phone. He dials several numbers and holds the phone up to his ear. The number of numbers he dials can vary depending on the actor. It can be only a few or very many. Whatever the director and actor think is the funniest. Man sits, listening to the phone for a few minutes)

Man: Pick up…pick up…damn it, you’re home all the fucking time unless I…

(Man gets a shocked expression on his face and waves his hands in front of him)

Man: Oh no mom, no I didn’t mean…no I’m sorry…I was just…

(Man rolls his eyes)

Man: No, I was just thinking out loud…yes, yes I think you go out…I know you have friends mom I just…yes, yes…yes! I know, I know I’m sorry but…dad would have took care of that mom I don’t think…that’s not really my place that’s your…I disagree, I think there is something sensual about the back…

(Man stands up and starts walking around the room. Should pace, pause and react to the phone conversation in real time as it happens)

Man: Probably not…I mean, you exaggerate a lot mom…no you really do…yeah, okay you say “oozing” but…how many shirts? How many spots? Wow…maybe you should go to a proctologist…

(Man stops stage center, staring out over the audience)

Man: But mom I have…I gotta talk to you about…something…something about me…

(Man pauses for several moments with a pained expression on his face as if reacting to his mother)

Man (quickly, as if interrupting): Of course I think your problems are important…I mean…but look yeah okay so…yeah you have some skin problems but…mom I’m having…I’m losing my mind…

(Man rolls his eyes)

Man: That’s not fair. Just because dad…don’t bring my brother into this, that was his fault we’re nothing alike…he’s a sociopath mom! I’m not…no I’m not! Listen, I have some really serious problems can you listen? Just for a minute?

(Man takes a deep breath)

Man: I…I’m lost mom. I don’t know what to do with myself any more. I feel like my life is meaningless, like nobody would care if I was alive or dead.

(Man gets an annoyed expression on his face)

Man: What do you mean “is that it?” It is a big deal. I don’t care if you think everybody feels that way…I’m not…I’m not everybody mom…I have high expectations for myself…big, big deal…what do you mean I have too high of expectations? Don’t you expect anything out of me?

(Man gets angry and begins pacing while talking)

Man: You expect me to be happy? What kind of expectation is that? Any dolt can be happy…if they ignore everything. Dad was happy? Mom, dad jumped in front of boat propellers while fishing…no he didn’t fall out mom I was there, I saw it…

(Man stops stage left)

Man: No mom, dad wasn’t happy you didn’t know him at all. I knew him…so what if i was only eight? He talked to me, mom. He looked at me. He used to say…he used to say a lot of things weird things…he wasn’t happy in life and…no mom he really…listen to me, just listen please…he jumped out of that boat, right into the propellers of that speed boat…it sucked him right up…spit him right out in bloody chunks mom, I was there to see it you weren’t…

(Man begins to cry)

Man: I watched them pull out his body from the propellers. Half an hour before that, he was baiting my hook and talking about…life. I’ll never forget what he said mom, how could I forget? No I never told you…because it would have killed you at the time…

(Man wipes away tears from his face)

Man: You don’t want to know. You really don’t…(sighs) Okay well…he said “Son, don’t ever believe you’re special. Nobody is special. Your mom and I lie to you every day because we don’t want you to lose hope like we have. She doesn’t even love you.” Then he smiled and jumped out of the boat, into the propellers of the passing boat and exploded.

(Man listens quietly. His expression becomes more tender)

Man: I told you that you didn’t want to hear that…but you don’t listen mom, you don’t listen you just talk at people, you tell them what you think without wondering what they think…how often did you and dad just sit down and talk?

(Man gets annoyed again)

Man: Yeah it’s easy to blame the dead man, mom…yeah you can throw those accusations around but you can’t back them up…or she will will she? Yeah, of course, she’d be on your side mom. She’s like you…she’s a woman. Oh don’t call me sexist, you know what I mean…you just have a…you and her always had a thing against men…after dad died.

(Man holds the phone away from his ear with a shocked expression on his face)

Man: How can I see things from your perspective? Dad…dad always used to say things like that about you. That was just the tip of the iceberg. He…he said worse things about you all the time. From the time I was about five till the dad he died…how can I know he was lying? More importantly, how can I feel that he was lying?

(Man aggressively shakes his head)

Man: You don’t understand…yeah, he said a lot of things…that were unfair to you I’m sure and were probably untrue. But mom…no listen mom, listen you have to hear this…he was…a dad is a young sons truest hero…he figures that his dad can never, ever do anything wrong.

(Man shakes his head again)

Man: I know mom, I know but…yes I know it was unfair, I know he “took the easy way out” or betrayed us or whatever but think of it…you have to think of it from my side…I can’t think of it from your side, you have to come to my way of thinking. You owe me that.

(Man holds phone away from ear again)

Man (bringing phone back): Why do I owe you that? For 30 years of…angst and hatred and denial. You don’t think you did anything to deserve that. I know that mom. But those kind of feelings are so…ingrained in me. Dad really hammered hatred and rage into me at a young age. Then he killed himself. Right in front of me. How could I feel any different about you? How could I not hate and blame you for what happened. I still do.

(Man gets a stunned expression on his face)

Man: Hello? Mom? Hello? Shit.

(Man sits down and redials the phone, holding it back up to his ear and listening. Wait a few beats before speaking)

Man: Pick up. Damn it, pick up. (wait a few more beats) Damn it!

(Man hangs up and dials again. Wait a few beats)

Man: I know you’re there mom, pick up the damn phone…don’t send me to voice mail…no voice mail…damn it!

(Man hangs up phone in disgust. Lights fade as he sits on the couch, staring off into the auditorium)

(Light fades in the man sitting on the couch. He opens his eyes and sits upright again. He looks curious and intrigued)

Man: Maybe it’s time I started looking for misses right. I’m not getting any younger and they’re just getting older…

(Man stands up in front of the couch and moves a few steps front center. He looks to his left, an eye to his brow. He looks right. He should pause at each side briefly as if searching intently. Mug a little here but not too excessively please. Thanks!)

Man: I don’t…see any girls around here! (just then, the woman from earlier, dressed in new clothes should walk behind him. He should be unaware of her. She should walk on and off the stage, from stage left to right. Man should pause speaking until she is off stage)

Man: It used to be so easy to meet girls… in the good old days… (play a tape of laughter, party sounds, talking, guitar playing etc. The contents don’t matter much but it should try to portray a feeling of merriment. The man smiles as the tape plays)

Man: Yeah…those good old days…when I could sit around the house all day…with my buddies…doing nothing all day…
playing video games…oh man…

(Play sounds of a video game. Again, it doesn’t matter what game but I’d suggest something Atari 2600 or NES for nostalgia factor. Man should mime playing a game)

Man: Jump over that damn…look out! Falling into the same damn pit over…and over…and over…(man should look down at his hands as if he is holding a controller)

Man: How long has it been since I sat down and played a video game…how long has it been since I did a speed run of “Super Mario Brothers One”? I used to be able to beat the damn game in fifteen minutes (man laughs). I wonder if I could still do that…I wonder if it would feel the same?

(Man moves slowly to stage left as the woman from earlier moves from stage right to stage left again. Each time she moves past him she should move in a provocative fashion, designed to catch his eye. Somehow, he doesn’t see her. She should move quickly to keep the scene from stalling but not too fast. The man should be lost in concentration as she moves)

Man: Sometimes though…when I really think about those “good old days” I remember all the kids that used to beat me up…all the mean and cruel things that were done to me…(play a tape of mocking voices, making fun of the man for various things. Make them humorous but cruel. Man should cringe at the things he’s hearing)

Man: And then the things I said and did to those kids even weaker than me…”Hey faggot” I remember saying that a lot…to this one little kid. Small and weak the kind of kid people loved to pick on and beat up…because he’d cry every time…”hey faggot” I’d say, watching his lip curl up, the tears forming, as he clutched his books. (the man shakes his head)

Man: “Hey faggot! Where’s your boyfriend?” Oh my God, did I really say that to him? I did…I remember, the bullies, those big kids…the kids who got beat up by their dads…they’d beat me up, hurt me, steal my money…so I’d scream “hey faggot!” at the little kid…the kid the bullies didn’t bother going after…he was so small…so small…”get that cock out of your ass!” Oh man…The bullies would laugh at me…laugh at me as I yelled at that little kid…(man closes his eyes)

(Woman walks by from stage left to right. She should have a different costume on each time. Make these provocative but semi-humorous. Moments like these help alleviate the melodrama of the scene a little)

Man: But you know those bullies…they work at gas stations. Or worse! They sit in trailers, on couches, sucking on cigarettes and beer while their wives, those formerly beautiful women…pump out kids…some of those guys are on meth…making meth…but those girls were never really worth it…they sure seemed like it at the time, so cool and they swaggered just as much as the boys but…they had those butts and those boobs…and their kids pick on the kids of the people their parents picked on…if I had kids they’d be there getting beat up by these…poor kids.

(Man should be moving around the stage as he speaks to avoid creating unbearable boredom in the scene. Now, he should move back to the couch and sit down, again, head in hands. Woman walks on stage and sits next to him on the couch. She should be dressed in the conservative costume again)

Woman: Hello.

Man (looking at the woman): Hello.

Woman: What’s the matter? (puts an arm around his shoulder)

Man: I was just…remembering the good old days.

Woman (shocked): Oh God! No wonder you’re crying.

Man: I’m not crying (wiping away a real or pretend tear, depending on the actors ability)

Woman: No, you are and it’s okay. Its good for you.

Man: No it’s not. It’s weakness.

Woman (laughs): Of course it is. We all have weakness. You gotta accept that.

Man (stands up, throwing the woman’s arm off his shoulder and shaking his head): No. I can’t accept that.

Woman (laughing even harder): You have to accept that. It’ll drive you crazy not to accept that.

Man: No way (man moves further from woman to stage right). I just can’t accept any weakness.

Woman (staring at the man’s back): Are you really so proud?

Man: It’s not pride. It’s just common sense.

Woman: It’s common sense to deny your nature?

Man: I’m not denying my nature. Just defying it.

Woman (shaking head sadly): You really believe that don’t you?

Man (nodding emphatically): Of course I do! Who could believe any different?

Woman (stands up and stares at the man, briefly moving towards him, then stopping): I feel…

Man (interrupting): You feel what?

Woman: I feel.

Man (laughing, turning towards her): Really? That’s the best you got? I bet you’ve been saving that one up for something like this…real Earth shaking shit there…”I feel” (man laughs) “I feel!” I feel…(man laughs again) How profound! Such care and delicacy put into your words…are you a fucking linguist, my dear?

(The woman stands and stares at the man for a few moments. She sighs and turns around)

Woman: Laugh if you want. Bully me. If that really makes you feel better. Bigger. More important.

Man (shakes head, still smiling but speaking somewhat apologetically): I wasn’t mocking you.

Woman (speaking over her shoulder): No? That wasn’t bullying?

Man: No, of course not. I was just pointing out…

Woman: How stupid I am?

Man: No, that’s not what…

Woman: I get it. It’s not bullying when you do it.

Man (pausing for a few beats as the thought sinks into his head): No…that’s not…that’s not what I meant.

Woman: What did you mean then?

Man: I meant…that…you know you’re acting…

Woman: Acting what? Acting how?

Man: You’re being a bit…silly…

Woman (laughing): What’s the shortest line between “silly” and “stupid”?

Man: What?

Woman: Don’t worry. It’s a trick question. There is no difference.

(Woman walks off stage as the man stares at her as she leaves. Man moves to the couch, sits down and stares out over the audience. He should look over their heads, not directly at them)

Man: Why do women always do this to me?

(Man closes his eyes again as the lights fade to black to the next scene)

(Stage fades back to fully lit with the man in the same position)

Man: I need a drink…just a single drink…

(The man stands up and walks to the table where his laptop was positioned. He mimes opening a cabinet and mimes pouring himself a drink. He then drinks it up eagerly, licking the “glass” as he finished)

Man: One more drink wouldn’t hurt…just one more…

Voice Off Stage (interrupting his action): Put the booze down! Do you want to be like your father?

(The man puts the booze back up in the cupboard and moves back to his couch. He sits down and stares around the stage somewhat upset. Should not be too “upset” but simply a little agitated)

Man: I don’t need to…I shouldn’t worry so much…

Voice Off Stage: You don’t worry enough!

Man (turning towards the voice): I worry plenty!

Voice Off Stage: Oh is that so? Did you worry at all about the stock market today?

Man (thinking): No, I can’t say that I have…

Voice Off Stage: Well you should! Don’t you know that the market is always four or five minutes from imploding! What would happen to all your investments?

Man: I don’t have any investments!

Voice Off Stage: Yeah well maybe you should!

Man: You know…why don’t I have any stock investments? That’s a good way to earn some retirement money…

Voice Off Stage: There you go! Ponder on which stocks you’d want to get: maybe you should get a subscription to the “Wall Street Journal.”

Man: Maybe I should get a subscription to the “Wall Street Journal.”

Voice Off Stage: Load up an emulator. Play “Wall Street Kid.” That’ll teach you all you need to know.

Man (shaking his head): No, I sucked at that game.

Voice Off Stage: Maybe that game sucked at you?

Man: That makes no sense.

Voice Off Stage: Just think about it…maybe that game didn’t adapt to your unique playing abilities. Maybe it was set up for somebody who wasn’t quite the gaming God…not like you…you’re a genius…

Man: Yes…you might have a point there…

Voice Off Stage: Of course I do! So…are you going to try it out, try playing the stock market?

Man: Yeah! I think I will!

Voice Off Stage (screaming): You dolt!

Man: What?

Voice Off Stage: Don’t you know the stock market is falling and crashing? That our economy takes a tumble on a nearly daily basis?

Man: But…I…yeah…but…

Voice Off Stage: What kind of idiot ties up his money in the stock market? Do you want to be a pauper?

Man: But…you said…

Voice Off Stage: Yes I did “said” but what I “said” isn’t what you heard.

Man: What?

Voice Off Stage: Read between the lines!

Man: I…can’t….

Voice Off Stage: Obviously. Trust me, you aren’t made to be in the stock market. I’m not sure what you’re made to do, but it’s not stocks. Maybe paddle ball?

Man: You yelled at me for that!

Voice Off Stage: I sure did.

Man: You said I was wasting my time!

Voice Off Stage: You totally were.

Man (stands up agitated, walking to the edge of the stage and screaming): Why did you tell me that I should get into paddle ball then?

Voice Off Stage (laughs, merrily): Because it seemed to be the only thing you were good at!

(The man walks back to the couch and sits down. He looks down at his hands and wiggles his fingers around. He should somewhat fascinated by his fingers in an oddly child-like way)

Man: I’ll do it! I’ll become a major talent in paddle ball! It can’t take more than a few hours of practice a day to get it down.

(Man walks up to the imaginary tables and picks up the paddle ball. He begins playing with it. He should be very into the play. The actor should mimic dropping the ball and hitting it several times in a row before failing. He should be rather wide eyed the whole time and not notice the woman walk in from stage left. She should be dressed very conservatively, pair of glasses, but it should be the same actress from earlier. She moves to the couch and sits down, staring at the man)

Woman (quietly): Hello.

(The man doesn’t hear her. He is too embroiled in his play to notice the woman standing behind him. He should gradually “get better” as he plays. The woman should wait a few beats before speaking the next lines)

Woman: Hi, I’m…well…I guess it doesn’t matter who I am…but…I thought I’d stop by…because the door was open and…just say hi…

(The man continues playing with his paddle ball)

Woman: I can see that you are busy but…I really think you should take a minute…to…just talk to me. I think it would do you a lot of good to…know me…

(Man keeps playing, getting more and more into the game)

Woman (coughs, watches the man. Coughs again to get his attention but he keeps playing paddle ball): Not asking much really…I just want you to look at me for a minute…just a minute I promise. Just want you to say ‘hello’ and talk to me…you need that kind of…you need good people in your life…

(Man keeps playing)

Woman (coughs again, moves on the couch agitatedly): Because I’m not going to lie it’s very…disheartening to stand here and talk to somebody’s back…to know they can hear you…but aren’t listening or…uh…reacting…like I don’t exist…

(Man keeps playing)

Woman: But I do exist! (voice rising) I do exist! You can’t decide whether or not I exist…that’s not your…place…I mean, how can you just sit there and ignore a woman…talking to you…offering something good…

(Man keeps playing)

Woman: I guess you have to take my word for it. Take my word for it that I’m good…what can I offer you, you might say? A strong moral center. I’m on the path of least resistance and I don’t’ do drugs. Stability, you see.

(Man keeps ignoring her and playing the paddle ball. It should be obvious that he literally doesn’t hear her because he is too into his game)

Woman: Maybe you don’t want that? Maybe you want…maybe you want a bad girl? Is that true…do all guys want…a bad girl to be their mate…some girl who…just fucks at will?

(The man keeps playing the game)

Woman: Would you look at me?! Look at me! I’m right here and I know who you are and I know what you want! Pay attention to me! Look at me! (woman stands up)

(Man keeps playing the game, laughing as he plays completely content in his own little world)

Woman: I know what you want…you want a woman who just tears off her shirt (woman should take off her shirt, exposing her bare belly but with a bra on underneath) Is this what you want? You want a woman tearing off her clothes, ready to fuck you whenever you want it?

(Man keeps playing the game)

Woman: Fine! I’ll show you what I got! (woman tears off her bra, revealing her breasts) Here you go buddy! Take a look at these! They’re here for you, just for you!

(The man doesn’t turn around at all. The woman’s face droops as the man plays paddle ball. She begins putting her bra back on, finishes lashing it and picks up her shirt. She then puts her shirt back on slowly, staring at the man as she does. The man keeps playing with the paddle ball. The woman shakes her head and turns away from him. She starts walking off, stage left, pausing halfway off stage to turn over her shoulder and speak)

Woman: Nobody should have to be as alone as you. (The woman walks off stage completely as the man continues to play. Eventually he stops playing, smiles, laughs and puts the paddle ball down. He turns back towards the couch and sits back down on the couch. He leans back on the couch, smiling contentedly)

Man: Now that’s what I call using your time wisely!

(Stage fades to black as the man sits on the couch)

(Play opens with a small stage with no props save a small futon couch positioned stage center. An anxious looking man of good health sits on the left side of the couch. He betrays nervousness in whatever the actor sees fit. The actor should be handsome without being overwhelmingly good looking. A woman comes from stage left. She should move evocatively across the stage as if she owns it. She should be dressed in clothes that reveal her curves (and the actress should have ample curves) while not being incredibly, incredibly “slutty.” The man ignores her as she walks across the stage, exiting stage right.)

Man: It’s cold. (the man shivers) I can’t believe how cold it is tonight.

(The same woman walks back across the stage, as evocatively as ever. Try to find an actress who is really busty and curvy in all the right areas. Rubenesque would be the proper term. She should appear to be attempting to appeal to the man but should move off stage quickly. The man should steadfastly ignore her.)

Man: I suppose I should just get up and turn on the heat. (The man briefly stands up but then sits back down in his chair) Nah. A little suffering never hurt anybody.

Voice from offstage (played by the busty woman talking through megaphone): Cept those that it killed. (Man appears not to notice the shouting voice but stands up, walks stage left and turns an imaginary dial. He stands there for a moment, rubbing his arms and trying to “get warm” holding his hands in front of an imaginary heat vent on the ground. After a moment, he smiles, stands up and walks back to the couch and sits down)

Man: I need to do something today. (The man looks around the room) But what?

(The man stands up and moves up stage left. He stops at an imaginary table and pretends to pick up something. Man starts moving hand in the air as if he is playing with a ball and paddle. A big smile should erupt across his face as he plays. Man should move around the room erratically and randomly)

Man: Wheeee! (Or whatever sound of joy is most natural for the actor)

Voice off stage: Wasting your life! You’re wasting your life!

(Man stops playing nearly immediately, chucking the toy to the side. He sighs heavily and moves back to the couch, sitting down)

(A few beats should pass before the man begins to speak again)

Man: I’ve been playing around too much. Having too much fun. Yeah. I should really…do some writing. I waste my time with those stupid games what I really need to do is get back to that book.

(Man stands up, walks to the same imaginary table and drags it over to the couch. Man pretends to open a laptop and begins to type)

Man (narrating out loud to himself): And then she said “You can hit me Sandoval, but you can’t fuck me. That’s not part of the deal.” Sandoval hit her hard across the face, knocking her to the ground. She looks up at him, blood trailing down her face. “That’s it,” she said, “go ahead and hurt me the way you always wanted to!” (stopping narrating for a minute) Wow I’m liking where this is going. Sex and violence sell…

Voice from off stage: Talentless! Perverted! What would your MOTHER think of this book?

(Man closes laptop and pushes table away, back to their original spot. Sits down on the couch and groans, rubs his hands through his hair and shakes his head)

(A beat or two should pass before he speaks. Let the silence of the stage fill the room)

Man: Food, I know, I’ll make some food. Gotta eat right? Nothing that could be wrong with eating right?

(Man moves up stage center and begins fiddling about as if cooking something. Breaks some eggs, drops them in a pan and begins scrambling them. Take a few moments to cook the eggs here and smell them as you cook. A smile should come across the face of the man as he eats)

Voice from offstage: High in cholesterol! Heart attack! Obesity! You’re gonna get fatter kid! Who wants to fuck a fatty?

(Man stops cooking, pulls the pan off the stove and dumps the eggs into a garbage can next to the stove. Remember, these are all imaginary so the man must simply act this out. Man moves back to his couch and sits down again. Let a few beats pass again before he starts to speak)

Man: It’s still cold in here. So cold…

(The woman walks back across the stage, really exaggerating her motions as she walks. She should walk very “sexy” and in a way that is designed to draw attention to herself from the man. It should be nearly parodic and should make the audience laugh if done right. She should also mug a bit with her face for maximum effect. The man should notice her this time and watch her walk across the room. He should appear appreciative. The woman then stops before getting off stage and turns to face the audience, looking towards the man)

Man: Who are you?

Woman: Doesn’t matter.

Man (shakes head): Of course it matters. How did you get in here?

Woman (laughs): It’s wide open!

Man (smiling): I suppose it is now isn’t it? (The two sit quietly for a few minutes, awkwardly trying to read the other)

Man: What do you want?

Woman: Oh lots of things… (the woman begins moving back across the stage, moving in front of the man, turning before leaving the stage and walking back) I want nice clothes…and a nice place to live…

Man: Who doesn’t want that?

Woman: Everybody wants that, I’m sure.

Man: Well then, what do you want?

Woman (stopping to consider the question. She should be moving closer to the man as she talks): Somebody to talk to would be awful nice.

Man: You got that. I’m talking to you.

Woman (laughs): So I do!

Man: What else?

Woman: Well…I wouldn’t mind…a big…black cock ten inches inside of me.

(The man looks shocked and coughs loudly. The woman laughs)

Woman: Took you by surprise huh?

Man: It’s rather frank.

Woman: And it’s a lie.

Man: You wouldn’t want a big block cock in you?

Woman: Oh no that wouldn’t be so bad but I’m not…I guess I don’t need it…

Man: We’re not talking needs here, we’re talking wants.

Woman: Right, right. I suppose I would want that. But it’s not essential.

(The man laughs excessively loud)

Man: That’s what women always want…a huge black cock and some white pussy like myself to talk to…

Woman: Hey now, that’s not fair.

Man: That’s life.

Woman: It’s crap. You ask me what I want and I tell you. Suddenly, I’m an awful person.

Man: I never said that.

Woman: Implied it. Is it so awful to want to fuck? Is it so wrong to want to have a little fun? Don’t you want to fuck?

Man (trying to joke): What you mean right now?

Woman: That’s not funny. You’re being a sexist and a racist.

Man: What?! No I’m not.

Woman: Yes you are. (She begins moving around the stage angrily. She stops and points at him) Yes you are.

Man: How?

Woman: You get mad at me because I want to fuck. That’s sexist because you’re judging me as a slut when it’s simply a natural desire.

Man: It was like the first thing you said!

Woman: I was trying to be funny! Plus, you took great exception at me saying I wanted a black cock.

Man: That was a joke.

Woman: Bullshit it was. That was racial jealousy. You don’t like the idea of a white woman riding a black cock do you?

Man (visibly angry): I never said that!

Woman: You can’t stand the idea of a big, twelve inch long, two inch thick black cock sliding in and out of my pussy for hours can you? Can’t stand the fact that I just might find a black guy sexier than you. That I might prefer them. That I might have “betrayed my race”!

Man: Get out of here! I don’t have to listen to this! (Woman walks off stage left, fumingly. Man sits down on the couch and angrily mumbles to himself) It’s why you don’t let people in…they just…let you down…

Voice off stage: Big black cock!

Man: Shut up!

Voice off stage: Big white ass…riding a big black cock…cum dripping out her pussy, out her ass, out her mouth as she eagerly rides a cock twice the size of yours!

Man: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! (Man puts his head in his hands and squeezes his temples. Actor should try to get eyes wet here)

(Let a few beats pass before the actor speaks. The woman should be quickly changing into a new costume at this point)

Man: I just…I don’t get it…

(Stage fades to black briefly before moving on to the second part)